Story of My Feelings

We through together a last minute Halloween party. Took N trick or treating and a nice group of S's family came. I love seeing S enjoy her family. It's times like this that form the strong glue which prevents her from mentally pulling away far enough to see into the future. Emotion, experience, and the status quo trump logic and reason every time.

Most of the time I suffer alone. While I plead for the pain to end, no one comes to help me. I suffer in silence, until the pain subsides enough for me to sleep. To leave this world of pain behind. I wonder sometimes if I should share my experience with S, but I conclude that I might not be able to bear adding sympathy to my sufffering. Day comes and I stumble through, step by step, with the memories of the night rippling through my stomach.

I don't belong here. I've never felt like I have. Everyone looks different, talks different, and it seems, acts different. I wish I could fit in. It would make things so much more simple. Ahh, simplicity, oh how I desire thee.

Yesterday a young boy was murdered in his school. I told S that I felt scared to think about letting our daughters go out by themselves when they get older. She responded by telling me that no place was safe.