Story of My Feelings

Life can teach us the craziest stuff sometimes. I've been feeling for quite some time, that when an organization says that they're just like a family, it's time to head for the door. I don't know about your life, but I've had sufficient experiences enough, to teach me that "family" can often be the root cause behind some of the most painful moments of my life. So, for me, when you say we're like family, I hear "We're dysfunctional."

Nothing illustrates this better than a recent exchange between Jim Irsay, Owner of the Colts, and Peyton Manning:

Jim Irsay calls Peyton Manning 'a politician,' By Phillip B. Wilson, The Indianapolis Star - Indianapolis Colts owner Jim Irsay obviously didn't care for some of quarterback Peyton Manning's comments earlier in the week.

After introducing new head coach Chuck Pagano Thursday, Irsay met with reporters and took some subtle but clear shots at the NFL's only four-time MVP, who said earlier in the week that the Colts complex with so many getting fired wasn't a healthy environment for his rehab from neck surgery."

If that's an example of what it's like to be in a family, I say "No, thank you." I'd prefer to join a team, a unit, or an army. I've got enough drama going on in my personal life, I don't need another family.

I was staring
into the sun this evening.
It was sinking fast.
As everyone
from around here
knows it does.

I could feel its warmth upon my face.
And I wondered if you felt it too.
Could you feel the energy
I was sending out?
It was reflected back into the sun
by the light that lives within me.

It was pure.
It was simple.
It was drawn from
specially guarded
memories.
That I keep
close to my heart.

With each memory
I felt a small spark
of familiarity
and warmness.
In that instant
I imagined
I was the sun.

Shining down
on you
looking up
at me.
I was hoping
that you
shared
the same spark,
when you felt
my warmth
upon your face.

Why can’t we
just leave this
universe behind
and jump to one
where we are
together

To erase
a lifetime’s
worth of choices;
just gone.

We would be
free to rewrite
our story.

Two lives
that were
split and
somehow
switched
could be
reunited.

Nay!
Tis not
possible!
There is
no link
between us
and that
illusory
universe.
That is,
except
within our
own
imaginations.

Truth be told.
I’ve visited
that universe,
and that’s
why I thought
I would
share it.

It exists
within my
soul
because
I’ve been
there,
and
it will
always
be
with me.

What if you knew something
That everyone needed to hear?
But no one would listen?

What if you could see things?
Simple things;
Things of beauty and hope.
But no matter
how much you pointed,
no one could see it?

What if you heard
the whispers of God?
What if He revealed to you
new prophecies,
new truths,
new laws?
But you couldn't
find the way
to tell His story?

If ignorance is bliss,
then knowledge is misery.
Misery,
which you carry daily.
As if you must
walk the Via Doloraosa
every day of your life.

While some have
a cross to bear,
I have only knowledge.
But its' weight
is so immense,
it trips me
and makes me stumble.

What if you
never reached Golgotha?
What if you
were sentenced to repeat
the same tribulations,
over and over gain.
Each step
drawing you closer,
only to find
the next day
with a cross beam
strapped to your back.

No release,
no surrender,
just pain
and suffering.

Author, artist, junkie Kurt Cobain put it best:

"...if you read, you'll judge..."

Anything I have written
comes from the Farther
I was merely listening
when the Spirit
whispered
So if you feel anything
feel it for the Father
not for me
Let the love you feel
fuel your soul
let it burst out
in blinding radiance
A source of light
hope, and comfort
to all who come
near you
Don't long for the past
nor imagine any future
let your energy flow
into this moment
and fill those
closest to you
with the light
of your love

It was my brother
Who gave me the picture
It was my condition
That gave me the time
To question
What I was to do
With my life
He said that
The world is bleeding
But I'm helpless
to heal it
I've been given
Gifts beyond compare
Yet I'm stuck
In a life
Of my own decisions
I want to follow Christ
I want to give away
Everything I own
If it meant
That I could
Make a difference
But my partner
Sees only the daily
Tasks frozen into
Her concept
Of what
The world needs
Her perception
Is fixated on our family
As a Mother should
What I worry about
Are things
So far above
Our daily existence
That there's
No way to even
Give her map
To find her way
To the point
Of view where
I found myself
Consumed by
A growing fear
That my visions
Of despair
Are more accurate
Than I can imagine
Once again
I found myself
At a dead end
Left only with the
Banal completion
Of keeping
Our lives together
Lurching forward
In a zombie death march
Into oblivion

3, count 'em, cauz der'z 3
when u see sumpen pop out atcha
3 timez, pay attention
caus der'z a riddle in der sum where
jus gotta keep your soul open
4 da signalz
and den u'll see it

little girl lying ina hospital bed
in n out of it
here 4 a moment
den gone da next
her little body
was on da mend
so her spirit went ta God
looking ta get healed

reading da economist
off all tings
and der it waz again
right in my face
sufism
furst heard of it from todd
little story
bout a different kinda izlam
showed an old dude
toking on a pipe
caption said
hash helpz a mystic
along da path
2 enlightenment

a little later
heard a little story
bout a dog that got poizoned
they said it was lying around
wit hiz eyez
rolled up into hiz head
vibrating 2 a hidden beat
if you were experienced
den you'd know
that our bodiez
fight off da poison
by sending us on a little trip

ta god looking
looking 4 a little healing

i heard it said
that everyone findz god
when der about 2 die
der's jus sumting bout
being ill
4 ya 2 see clear
dat our bodiez
r separate frum our soulz
when yer body beginz 2 fail
u cling 2 wateva u can
2 save yerself
frum disappearing
and datz when it hitz ya
when ya cleave yerself
inta body n soul
dat when ya chooz
yer spirit
then god revealz
his luv 2 u
den her healing
iz given 2 u

Thanks to Thomas Moore's "Care of the soul" I have new found
understanding of the necessary depths our soul must reach in order for
us to understand the hidden mysteries of the spirit. All of our lives we
are told that we have to be happy, we can't feel sad, or there's
something "wrong" with us. Moore has given me the power to accept my
darker feelings as normal. I bet more people than will admit have these
dark feelings. dark moments, or dark places, but as I've learned from
Moore it is better to embrace our darkness. Contrary to what everyone
recommends, we should explore the darkness to discover our true nature,
and, if possible, express what we learn using the arts. All of this
explains why people have always reacted so negatively to my writings,
for I'm unafraid of peering into my darkness and share what I find
there. That is my challenge, my curse, to dedicate myself to letting go
of my inhibitions to honestly share what is behind the doors I should
not open. I must take what no one wants to see and expose it to the
world, hoping against hope that the world can look at my bared soul
without judging me and in the end making the world a more beautiful
place.

We've all seen it, we may have even felt it ourselves, and it goes by many names. Even so, it is by far one of the hardest lessons for anyone to learn. Simply put, "The idea of wanting something, nearly always, is far more enjoyable, than actually having what you desire."

Today I slapped a bargain price tag on a mis-shelved art book. I
committed fraud. Simply put, I did something "wrong." I'm not quite sure
why I did it, but it wasn't the first time. It's a little "trick" I
learned in my mis-spent youth.

I guess I wanted to see if I'd get away with it. You see it's an easy
trick to pull. Just peel the bargain sticker off of one book and replace
the sticker on another. If the cashier "catches" the discrepancy, you
plead ignorance. "Uh, I found it over in the bargain section." Then, if
the real price is discovered, you can simply inform the cashier that
you're no longer interested in buying the book. For some, what I did
was evil, perhaps even a crime.

Later in the day I retrieved a set of keys from the floor that had
fallen out of an elderly woman's pocket. I politely returned the keys
and went about eating my lunch. It was really nothing, and she probably
would have found the keys on her own. For some, what I did was kind,
 perhaps going so far as calling it a "good deed."

The fallacy we fall into is that neither of these actions "defines" who
I am. I'm both good and evil. It's too easy to judge each other and miss
the bigger picture. As uncomfortable as it makes some people, there is
rarely any situation that is black or white; good or evil. It simply is,
and only when we wish to be morally lazy do we find solace in placing
 simple names on complex situations.

Lost my brother a couple of years of ago
He would have been sixty today
He lived a hard life, a rebels life
trapped in a authoritarian society
He was a cool guy, who always had
a wonderful since of humor
He didn't deserve
to end up on the fringe of society
Although some of it was his own fault
the country he served
let him fall between the bureaucratic cracks
I miss him,
as I let him also slip
between the cracks of my life
Now there's no way
to tell him how much he meant to me
I just didn't realize it
until he was gone

Back in college I had a bunch of buddies come over to school for the weekend. Of course, we hit a couple of keggers and drank a lot of beer. When we got back to my dorm room where everyone was going to crash, we sat around mellowing out to a little music.

While most of us were getting  pretty sleepy, I guess the alcohol was getting the better of one of my friends, you know how it is. We've all been there before, young, drunk, and stupid. You know how sometimes after a big party all you want to do is mellow out and crash, but your stomach has it's own plans. Between the room spinning and all, some times, no matter how much you don't want to get sick, it just ain't going to happen. Well my buddy sits up and says "I'm getting that taste in my mouth!" And we all knew what was coming next! We all got out of his way and shoved a trash can in front of his face, and sure enough, within seconds, a whole night of partying was coming back up. While it wasn't too cool of an experience for him, we all thought it was pretty funny and it soon entered into our hallowed tales of legend.

Well I think of that phrase sometimes when I'm feeling overwhelmed. In many ways it's the same experience, just slightly messier outcomes. Well since I started the New Year I've been filled with excitement and energy, so much so I'm getting to that point where I've piled up such a long list of things I want to do, that I'm not sure where to start. I've still got some major projects that I'm working on that remain incomplete, and yet, I'm still finding new things that I feel need done.

As I've been sensing for over a year now, I know that the technology world is right on the very edge of a major shift in the publishing industry. So while I guess I should be focusing on the whole publishing side of the equation,  I've got this strong sense that I should be working on the foundation that I'll need to launch into this new challenge. So even if I've got some heavy lifting grunt work to do, I think that it needs to be done before I can build my comic book publishing empire. Mu ha ha ha.

I was just looking into more about Transcendental Meditation. So far I've found that you can only learn it from a certified TM teacher. I've also learned that the east 7 step teaching process (consisting of 6 to 10 hours) cost $1,500. Oh yeah, I've also learned that, according to the official TM website, it just can't be taught by a book or CD. Hmm!

Then I find this other site, which has some pretty interesting comments by an acclaimed ex-certified TM teacher. And while the official site claims that TM is not a religion, this dissenter does claim that it is spiritual  teaching. He also claims that "TM the spiritual teaching" is an esoteric, dogmatic religious sect, controlled absolutely by its living prophet who proclaims doctrine with ex-cathedra infallibility." Well that certainly is a long winded claim, that sounds so complex that it's bound to generate suspicion.

So I'm kind of bummed, that learning TM is so rigid, and that it has such a popular critical opinion. There was one link in the Rabbit Hole site which lead to an explanation of what TM is, which contained the following disclaimer "TM "works" only if you are susceptible to the particular method of trance induction." The implication here, along with other parts of the ex-teacher's critical opinion, is that learning TM is sort of like brain washing. Now, I know that is an overly simplistic generalization, but putting these two pieces of a puzzle (the official site and the critical opinion) form a really negative picture.

I do want to practice more regular meditation, but I think that there were some "easier, cheaper, and more accessible techniques available on the "Andrew Weil & Kimba Arem - Self-Healing With Sound and Music" CDs. So I think, I'll start with those before moving on to something else. Practice is practice. The more I can control my mind, the better. I need to embrace whatever means that are immediately available to me.

From Thomas Moore's "Care of the Soul," he asks "When was the last time
you talked about monsters, angels, or demons when you were describing
some strongly felt experience?"

Recently I've been reading Moore as well as Joseph Campbell in my
continuing artistic preparations. I'm continually astounded by people
who seem to rise above and achieve incredible feats and make a
difference. If I have any New Years Resolution, for this year, this
decade, it is to rise above myself and achieve something unbelievable.

I believe that my stage has been set and angels will guide me to finally
defeat my inner demons. I can see it, I really can. Give me the strength
Father to fulfill your destiny. I can make this world more beautiful and
inspire hope for the future.
idealistic, aspiring

On with the countdown and we're onto "A wizard, a true star" or as it is
warmly known among his fans as AWATS. So, right before my senior year in
high school, my best friend's Dad was reassigned and my best buddy moved
away.

A couple years after graduation, another buddy and I went to visit our
lost friend in Wisconsin. It was just after Christmas, so we were going
to bring in the new year there because the drinking age was 18. Well
after drinking all night and trying to hit on this chick (all night) we
ended up crashing at someone's apartment. We ring in the new year and it
gets late. We crash on the floor and the couches.

After a couple of hours I woke up with my buddies bare ass right in my
face. The story went that after we all crashed my buddy kept up the
pressure on my date's friend, and then one thing led to another. I could
never get over the balls they both had to screw in a roomful of
"sleeping" people. I can't imagine the charisma my buddy had to have to
talk this girl into getting nasty in a room full of people. Well I
wasn't about to throw cold water on their party, so I pretended not to
notice. They finally finished and crashed too, but is was certainly
strange catching them getting their freak on.

I'd have to confess that New Years Eve has never been one of my favorite
celebrations. There are only a few that stick in my mind as memorable.
To remember probably my favorite New Years Eve, I've started listening
to my Todd Rundgren collection. I'm going to see how far through his
formidable repertoire I can get before the new year comes. So far, I've
listened to Todd and Something & Anything. I'll recount some of my best
New Years Eve memories as I continue my journey through Toddlandia.

How can it be? That we celebrate around the world, some the same, some
altogether different. And yet, while I'm here amongst a celebration, my
heart lies a thousand miles away? What tricks are these that cause us
sadness, when we are surrounded by joy?

Now that I've thought about it some more
a nice little Sportster 883
or convertible Nissan 370Z Roadster
might be just as nice

If I could be granted just one wish
During this Holiday season
It would be for everyone
around the world
to look within themselves
and love their soul,
truly love themselves